New Things

I’m feeling a lot of feelings lately. The biggest cause of the emotions I’ve been having is that I bought a house. I am a new homeowner. It’s only been official for a few days, and there is still paperwork pending and some steps to take.

This whole thing is new for me. In all honestly when I pictured owning a home I thought I’d at least have a spouse to share all the stressful parts with. Things just don’t always happen the way you think they will. Its okay though, I am a strong independent woman! I’ll probably have a spouse and kids some day but I can’t just wait for that. I needed a home now!

It is scary though. I’m going to be sleeping in a whole house by myself most often, not just a room. I feel like I’m accumulating a never ending “to-do” list. It’s going to be a HUGE change.

Also, one of my best friends is moving away. It’s a great step for her and her family so I’m very happy for them!! It’s neat that we’re both going through the “new home” experience at the same time, even though they’re different circumstances. Then again, even if two people are going through the same thing it’s still also two totally different experiences. It’s exciting though, but I sure am going to miss her!!

Just a lot of stuff all at once, and there are some other things that are different for me that I’m not really ready to talk about. It’s something scary and because I don’t know what will happen I’m keeping it mostly to myself. That kind of makes me a feel a little silly but that’s okay!!

Just…so many new things!!

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A State of Toxic Intake

I wouldn’t say that I’m an alcoholic. I don’t drink often. I think I’ve probably said this a few times. Probably because I get into this risky dance once in a while. Every time I say that’s it, I’m done. I get to feeling good and think I can try again. It’s an abusive relationship. One I don’t really need to have. It’s time to let go.

Everyone knows that abusive relationships are hard to end. They say “why does she stay with him?” Or “how can he let her talk to him like that?” No one knows what to do or say. My affair with alcohol is like that.

I’m a binge drinker. It’s something that starts when a person is old enough to legally drink. Everyone is excited they can do it so every weekend we go to bars and get drunk. Except, I’m getting older and it’s not cool anymore.

One thing, you don’t do it as much because you’re a responsible adult and you can’t really afford it anymore. However, after years of the partying, then scaling back and just having a few drinks now and then without getting drunk, a tolerance has built up. Now you can drink two bottles of wine. What? That’s crazy!

There’s blackouts now though. There’s mood swings and drunk texting to people you shouldn’t be texting anymore. There’s layers of stuff built up from experiences that you may not have gotten over, or you have gotten over them but you got in to reminiscing and you want to tell them how great you think they’re doing and how great you’re doing.

Then the next day you wake up feeling like you fell down ten flights of stairs, your teeth are fuzzy, there’s a woodpecker standing on the back of your neck pecking at your head. It’s awful! There’s also a ton of guilt! Even if you didn’t do anything but write illegibly in your journal, you feel that guilt of “I can’t believe I did this again, I said I’d stop.”

The trouble is, you’re not an alcoholic and it’s not something you do all the time.

I found this book, Drink by Ann Dowsett Johnston. She has gone through similar struggles and she did a whole bunch of research on women, binge drinking, the alcogenic culture we have. It’s opening my eyes a bit more to what I’m going through. How yes, it could be worse, but I have the power to stop it now while I am young. I’m sure there are impacts it’s done on my body, but I can prevent myself from getting worse things or doing something irreversible.

One thing that people don’t realize though. There are many forms of alcohol abuse. Yet, constantly my coworkers are saying “the boss is away tomorrow, who’s bringing the booze?” Or “I am going to have a glass of wine when I get home” without realizing that even though they’re joking or it’s not a problem for them, it can easily become one. People are posting cocktail recipes all over Facebook. There are even more places now where I can bring my dog with me to sit around and have drinks with my friends!

I don’t condone those things though. There are a lot of people who can have a few drinks and leave. There are people who only drink for celebrations. A lot of places serve food so that you’re not just drinking. It’s awesome!

I’m also very stubborn and I can go for long periods of time without alcohol, and those periods get longer and longer. I also know I’m not on this journey by myself and if I want to break-up with alcohol completely I have a great support system.

This is a real problem though. Women binge drink more than men and a lot of them don’t even realize they’re doing it. Mostly it’s because men drink beer and women drift towards wine or harder liquors. If you’re noticing something, talk about it! Don’t keep it a secret! We’re very focused on mental health now a days, and there’s a lot of focus on drug abuse and safe clinics for those people. Like Ann says in her book though, alcoholism is a very real problem but it has become so normalized in our culture that we don’t recognize it or talk about it anymore.

Well, I’m ready to talk about it!!

A Girl’s Best Friend

Today I chose to focus on reading and writing, working on my inner journey and exploring the things that might be bothering me or that I would like to change in my world. Bronn, my dog, is right beside me. It just got me thinking about how awesome he is. He’s my best friend!

He doesn’t say much. Sometimes I ask him questions and he just looks me in the eye and answers without saying a word. His ears perk up because he cares about what I am saying, and he doesn’t need to verbally communicate for me to know his answer. Sometimes he is saying that I need to figure it out for myself, but he reminds me that’s he’s there if I need him.

He is always excited to see me when I get home from wherever I’ve been. He patiently waits for the walks we go on. He eats the same thing every day without complaint…which is why he gets little bits of other kinds of food. Why not, he deserves it!

I know he’s only going to be with me for a short time, and that is why I like to spend as much time with him as possible. We don’t even need to be doing anything to enjoy each other’s company. He makes me smile and laugh, he snuggles up to me when I’m feeling sad, he trusts me and he loves me for who I am. What more can a girl ask for?

Wearing A Bra

There’s all these comics and memes out now a days and they’re so relatable! One I saw was how good it feels for a woman when she gets home at the end of a day and takes off her bra and lets her breath out so her guy can be free too. I’m not sure a lot of people are holding their gut in…but that’s a different can of worms and I’m here tonight to talk about bras.

First of all, boobs a weird and glorious. I love mine! Maybe a lot of women don’t like their the way they are for various reasons. They start to say after a while, they get stretch marks, full disclosure…hairs grow on them. Like I said, boobs are weird. I’m glad I have them though!!

Boobs are great!

I like wearing a bra. I think if your bra is uncomfortable then you must be wearing the wrong kind. I know there’s been “feminists” who say you shouldn’t have to wear a bra and blah blah blah. Yeah, sure, that’s fine… but I don’t understand why you wouldn’t. Honestly, if I don’t wear a bra for too long I feel the gravity pulling them down. It gets uncomfortable! Like there’s a weight on my chest. If you’re wearing the right kind of bra then you don’t feel it at all! It’s like this piece of clothing that is taking some of the pressure off my shoulders!!

So, I honestly don’t understand why women don’t want to wear a bra. I don’t find it liberating to go without one. I find it liberating to find one that fits and feels comfortable that is cute and pretty!!

Someone You Care About Suffers from Depression

Depression sucks! It’s confusing too, because you can be happy for so long, but there’s one nagging thing that’s lurking underneath all the time ready to attack. Sometimes it’s loneliness even when you have lots of options for people to hang out with. Sometimes it’s lingering on a cold so that when you start to feel like the cold is gone, you’re still feeling really low and you are struggling to get back to peak physical condition. Sometimes, it’s just exhaustion.

The hardest part about depression is that when it does sneak up, you have no motivation to do anything. You just get suck. People ask you to visit or do things and you keep saying you’re not feeling well. It’s the truth, you’re not.

I struggle with this. The hardest thing is that people don’t really understand. I don’t have the motivation to get in my car to go somewhere to hang out when I’m feeling this huge weight on my chest. Especially if it’s somewhere I can’t bring my dog. He knows how I am feeling. He makes me get out of bed on those days so he can go to the bathroom and do the things he needs to be comfortable…but he’s also happy to get back in to bed and snuggle me. He can’t tell anyone anything though. All he can do is kiss away my tears, make me laugh and wait until our walks get longer again.

Do you ever wonder what you can do though? You could ask me to do something I enjoy with me, like go to a movie. Or you can just show up and visit for a while. Come for a tea or coffee. If you just invite me to do something, especially in your space, I’ll probably decline. It’s not that I don’t like your space, it’s just that I’m already uncomfortable. Eventually I will move on from that space and I will visit you again, if you still want me to!

If you’re not close by and you wonder how you can help, just check in!! Interaction is good in any capacity and let’s face it, in this modern digital world everyone checks their phone! Responding to messages is always helpful too, because if you don’t eventually those messages will stop coming. If you don’t care then that’s fine, that’s your deal…but like I just said, I know you’re checking them so I also know that you have ignored it when I don’t hear back from you days later. People get busy, but if you care about someone, truly, then say something. Even if it’s “sorry, busy”

We all have different struggles, and different reactions to how we’re dealing with things internally. I’ve been learning a lot about why I have this struggle and how to deal with it in various different ways, but unfortunately it’s chemically built in to me and it will never go away. Understanding is always appreciated! Reaching out does not go without reward.

That’s just a few things to keep in mind when you know someone with depression.

BLASPHEMOUS

Okay. Yep. This is where I am and I am exploring and still figuring shit out. This may be the most “blasphemous” post I have ever written.

I don’t know you guys.

My parents didn’t enforce any religion on us and I am glad for that. There are more than one for one thing. They were not born and raised in the same one but they still met and made an amazing family.

Life is more complicated now than it ever was!!

Back to my point. I believe in GOD…I also believe…after living and struggling with anxiety my life…in the universe. I think “GOD” and the “UNIVERSE” may be one and the same. Maybe they are elective. Maybe they are like the Greek Gods and they all have a specific purpose. I don’t know.

Lately; I have been reading a lot. I have also found that something I have been about to manifest has manifested itself.

I dunno.

I may have lost my train of thought on this one.

For

Me

The thing I was thinking that was blasphemous was..

That I believe in God but…

I’m not so sure about Jesus. I love him as a person. I do! But…

Guys, I’m so sorry! I do love Jesus, as a person who possibly existed.

Omg this is the worst I swear.

I feel like of all the stories. I don’t get it. Maybe I need more education. Maybe I’m meant for something else.

Like I said. Yeah believe in God and The Universe. And I LOVE Jesus but I don’t understand why he is our saviour. And I know I will get the guidance.

But… I need more.

Overcoming Overthinking

It’s so strange how as women we overthink constantly. It’s like we can’t help it, but guess what, we can! Sometimes we just focus on something so much we can’t concentrate on something else, and it’s often something we can’t control. Have we taken on too much as we’ve worked on becoming career women as well as mothers? Do we wear too many hats?

We can always use the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference

Then we need to remember to actually let go and let God and the Universe take the wheel.

I’ve learned that I can change my thoughts. I can find something more important to place my energy in to when I feel my thoughts are straying to something I can’t control or a negative place. I’ve learned to make lists to keep myself busy on days I’m feeling more anxious about something. I’ve learned to trust my instincts more.

I’ve definitely had some time over the last couple years to fully get to know and fall in love with myself. I’m still getting to know myself, but I’m also always changing, as we all are. I suggest if you struggle with overthinking you take some time to learn why you do it and how you can stop, because the only one who can actually make that go away is you!

Mind Over Matter

Lately I have been noticing that it actually works. It being having a positive mindset. If you wake up thinking you’ve had a full nights sleep, you will be able to overcome your tiredness as you fully wake. Or if you believe that cup of coffee is going to get you more alert, and stop saying “I’m tired”…you actually won’t feel as tired! Being is believing or whatever they say.

On my drive home from work today I was thinking about how true it is, and how you can reprogram your brain. I still have anxiety, don’t get me wrong. I have figured out some things that trigger it. To be honest, a lot of it does have to do with drinking lots of water, having less stimulating beverages (one cup of coffee, less pop, etc) and getting a proper night sleep. That doesn’t always mean a full 8 hours either. It just means getting off the phone at a certain time and resting your body. I was taking sleep aids now and then to help me but I think it’s been over a week since I’ve used anything!

I’ve also figured out that if you contemplate random things, you won’t stress as much about the little things you can’t control. You can also start some pretty hilarious conversations sometimes!!

Winter Blah

Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time just sitting here. Then, I don’t know what else to do when I’m not feeling well. So I just watch movies and read books and snuggle with Bronn, my dog. We go for walks still.

It’s hard to get motivated to do anything else when it’s cold outside. I think I should make a promise to Bronn to go on more hikes and walks when it’s warmer. We can go to the off leash dog park and meet others.

I haven’t written much lately. Aside from in my journal. I have been working on my network marketing business, selling Jamberry. It’s quite fun having Facebook parties and chatting with people. Plus I love having pretty nails! That helps!

I can’t wait until it’s warmer out. I’d also like to get my own place. Maybe if I had my own place people would come visit me instead of me having to go visit everyone. It takes a lot of energy to go out there sometimes! No one really comes to me anymore. I thought it was supposed to be 50/50 in those kind of things. I don’t know.

Lemon Skunk

Now that I’ve had some time to mull it over, I decided I would share the experience of my first time using legal marijuana alone. I bought some at Christmas and brought it with me, but we didn’t end up using mine so it came home with me. I contemplated trying it, but I was very nervous! I didn’t want to smoke a joint because it could be too much. Finally I invested in a pipe.

It’s a very small pipe that fits one or two tokes worth in the bowl. I used to smoke weed a lot in my early to mid 20’s so I know one or two hoots doesn’t do much. Boy was I wrong! I am thinking because the marijuana is now grown properly again, it’s stronger somehow. I went outside for my two puffs and by the time I got in the house and in my room I was high…and freaking out!

I had to tell someone so I told my roommate because I thought what if I drop dead right now and she’s like what? I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I tried to eat my KFC but I was not hungry at all. I felt like I was on a slant, like my brain was malfunctioning and I was having a hell of a time swallowing the chicken finger. Bronn was whining because of the chicken and it was making me panic even worse!

I put my food away and had a shower. My friend messaged me and said to try grounding but I felt like I couldn’t feel anything, so I figured I’d feel The warmth of the water in the shower. It helped but I still felt a bit slanted.

After my shower I was able to calm down and write in my journal a bit but I was still shaky. I put on my slippers and a hoodie because I thought maybe I was cold. Then I really started to calm down and I felt good.

My roommate and I watched The House with a Clock in Its Walls. I wasn’t fully paying attention because my creative juices were flowing and I was journaling, blogging, trying to calm Bronn down because he thought we were watching for someone because we were in the living room, and doing a Jamberry party on Facebook! When I did pay attention to the movie it was crazy!! I sat on Bronn’s bed and it was very comfy. Like I was on a giant pillow.

It was late when the movie was over and I felt tired. I read my book then tried to sleep but I needed a snack. I made a mug cake and a cup of sleepy time tea. I tried to watch Netflix but my computer was too slow. I read a bit more. I had a TERRIBLE sleep.

Lemon skunk is not for me!! Too high in THC? I read a couple reviews and I think it had the opposite affect on me. Which, it usually does. Maybe I’ll try something else some day. Probably not soon though!